“Good evening, everyone! Let’s talk about airlines for a bit, shall we?
Isn’t flying just the weirdest experience? You pay hundreds of dollars for a ticket, and then they treat you like you’re sneaking on board for free. Seriously, you get to the gate and they’re like, ‘Hey, where do you think you’re going? Oh, you bought a ticket? Well, that’s adorable. Now, stand in line with 200 other people and we might let you on the plane.’
And then there’s the boarding process. Why do they make it sound so fancy? ‘We’ll now begin pre-boarding.’ Pre-boarding? Isn’t that just…waiting? ‘Cause that’s what it feels like to me. And don’t you love the way they board by zones? ‘We’re now boarding passengers in Zone 1, Zone 1.’ Zone 1 people, congratulations. You paid extra to sit in a slightly bigger sardine can.
Speaking of seats, what’s up with airplane seats? They’re made for toddlers, I swear. I’m not a big guy, but I feel like I need to dislocate my shoulders just to buckle in. And that legroom? Who designed these seats, a contortionist? You get to your seat and immediately your knees are giving a deep tissue massage to the guy in front of you.
And let’s talk about the in-flight announcements. Every time, the captain’s like, ‘This is your captain speaking. We’re currently cruising at an altitude of 35,000 feet.’ Like I needed that reminder. ‘Oh, we’re up high? Thanks, I was wondering why I couldn’t see any buildings.’
But the best part has got to be the food service. ‘Would you like the chicken or the pasta?’ Neither! I don’t trust either of them. Airplane food is like a mystery box from a horror movie. You open it up, and it’s like, ‘What IS that?’ And they always give you that tiny little fork. Am I supposed to eat this or comb my hair with it?
And don’t you love how they expect you to sleep on the plane? They give you this thin blanket that’s more like a napkin and a pillow the size of a marshmallow. ‘Here you go, good luck!’ I’m sorry, but if I could sleep sitting upright in a noisy, shaking metal tube, I’d be a guard at Buckingham Palace.
And turbulence, oh man, turbulence. The captain always comes on so calmly. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we’re experiencing some turbulence.’ Turbulence? The plane is shaking like a washing machine on spin cycle, and you’re telling me it’s just turbulence? Meanwhile, I’m gripping my seat like it’s a rollercoaster and praying to every deity I can think of.
But you know what the worst part is? The baggage claim. You’ve survived the flight, you’ve landed, and now it’s a waiting game. You’re standing there, watching the carousel go round and round, and there’s always that one bag that’s been going around since the dawn of time. Whose bag is that? Are they ever coming to get it?
So, next time you fly, just remember – you’re not alone in your misery. We’re all in this together, trying to survive the madness of air travel. And hey, at least you’ve got some great stories to tell…once you finally get your luggage!
Thank you, everyone! Safe travels and good night!”
